{"id":12172,"date":"2016-08-03T11:32:20","date_gmt":"2016-08-03T16:32:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.studyabroad101.com\/?p=12172"},"modified":"2022-11-03T13:42:18","modified_gmt":"2022-11-03T17:42:18","slug":"leave-your-kids-abroad-alone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.studyabroad101.com\/blog\/2016\/08\/leave-your-kids-abroad-alone\/","title":{"rendered":"Leave your Kids (Abroad) Alone"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"two<\/a><\/p>\n

The year: 1986. The place: My childhood home in NY. The scene: The kitchen where a tan, old school phone with an unruly curly cord hangs on the wall. The language: Portuguese.<\/p>\n

On one end of the phone was Sergio, my exchange student \u201cbrother\u201d from S\u00e3o Paulo, Brasil. On the other end, what felt like a million miles away, were his parents.\u00a0\u00a0 Receiving a call from them was a BIG deal back then. With that phone call Sergio morphed from my English speaking, high school attending \u201cbrother\u201d into a young boy from S\u00e3o Paulo who spoke a foreign language. To me, it felt like a completely different person was standing in the kitchen speaking loudly into the phone. The connections weren\u2019t great back then and the call surely was expensive. Magically, with the click of the receiver, American Sergio returned to our family\u2019s view.<\/p>\n

Today, Sergio\u2019s son, Gabriel, is living in my home as a year long high school exchange student. As I write this, he is at varsity (American) football practice. He is as adventurous as his brave dad was back in 1986, playing a sport he had only watched tirelessly on TV and the internet.<\/p>\n

As a result, I have a bird\u2019s eye view of what it means to be a parent and to miss your child when s\/he is abroad. I see Gabi adapting to his new home city, processing and speaking in English 24\/7, eager to engage in the world around him. And through Facebook chat and video, I hear his parents\u2019 bellowing in pain from missing their beloved son. As a parent myself to a 20 month old, I can only begin to appreciate what another 14 years of time with my child will translate to when he eventually heads abroad for an extended period one day.<\/p>\n

Yet, I cannot help but reflect back on that very vivid scene of Sergio talking with his parents on the phone. So what does any good interculturalist do upon reflection? She asks questions! I logged into Facebook and called Sergio in Brasil to ask him about how he is coping with his son\u2019s absence AND to discuss his family\u2019s plans to come to the US to spend time with us over the holidays. Yes, despite the title of this piece, Sergio and his family WILL come visit us this winter.<\/p>\n

\"Sergio

My \u201cbrother\u201d Sergio and son, Gabriel approximately 13 years ago. His wife (left) and I (right) hold their twin daughters. Photo taken in Brasil on New Year\u2019s Eve (2002)?<\/p><\/div>\n

I reflected with Sergio about the scenario above. He thought about it briefly and stated that it is much easier to talk to his son than it was for his parents, yet he has to restrain himself from doing so every day. He wants to talk about the latest Jason Bourne movie that he saw after he heard that Gabi and my husband, Tony, went to the premiere together last week \u2013 something they would have done together if Gabi were home in Brasil. He wanted to hear all about his first day of American football practice. He wants to know what he thinks of our city, our home, and what it is like to have a 20 month old brother after having sisters. It is natural to want to stay connected to your child, but Sergio knows how important it is that he allow him space during this tender period of being a new exchange student.\u00a0\u00a0 He remembers well how he immersed so seamlessly into our family and community in New York\u2026and how he wants that joy for his own son. He and his wife have told me many times \u2013 no matter how much they miss him, they are more happy for him than anything.<\/p>\n

I called another friend whose two daughters are both abroad – one is in Europe for 3 weeks while the other is on a study abroad program for a semester. I asked her about how she is adapting to the absence of her girls. Her response was that she misses them but has been very careful not to over communicate in that fragile first week or two, as that is when the bonding needs to happen. They don\u2019t schedule times to talk and she has only \u201cfacetimed\u201d once with her daughter in Europe.\u00a0\u00a0 She finds it strange that they have had the occasion to text their daughter in South America for random things (e.g. what is the Netflix password!) but otherwise they\u2019re intentionally keeping some distance. When I asked if they planned to visit their elder daughter at the end of her study abroad program they said they\u2019re thinking about it. When I pushed further, she indicated that they felt it would be okay to visit at the end of her semester program as it would give her a chance to show confidence in the language and experience without interrupting her studies. They would not visit if the program were shorter than a semester and wouldn\u2019t do so in the middle of the program \u2013 and they may not even do so.<\/p>\n

Sergio said the same \u2013 if Gabi were coming to the US for a few months only, he\u2019d not plan to visit. But he is adamant that a visiting over the holidays for two weeks when his son will be here for an entire 12 months is acceptable because they won\u2019t interrupt his studies, sports, or friends\u2019 gatherings.<\/p>\n

Why should a loving parent not visit a son or daughter on study abroad? After all, you miss each other, so what is the harm in doing so?<\/p>\n

There are my two reasons NOT to visit your child on study abroad:<\/p>\n